


The Reason

by love_in_the_city



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Childhood Trauma, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Relapse, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 01:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30064368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/love_in_the_city/pseuds/love_in_the_city
Summary: Aaron thought he would get his happy ever after with Katelyn, but after she refused his proposal, Aaron ends up with the same feelings of worthlessness when his mother was alive. He relapses.Someone unexpected becomes the reason he holds on.
Relationships: Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Katelyn/Aaron Minyard, Kevin Day/Aaron Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Nicky Hemmick & Aaron Minyard
Comments: 10
Kudos: 52





	The Reason

**Author's Note:**

  * For [poly_pr1nce](https://archiveofourown.org/users/poly_pr1nce/gifts).



> Mentions of drug use, alcohol abuse, past abuse and mentions of Drake but not explicit.

It didn’t matter where he was walking to, he didn’t even know where he was anymore. It has been a while since he felt campus grounds. The box in his pocket feeling heavy. 

The music blasting through his earphones has been on repeat since he left Katelyn’s side, the lyrics feeling like a personal call. He wasn’t sure if he was crying of sadness or frustration. He was angry at Katelyn, at himself, at the rest of the world. 

Katelyn had gone through hell and back for him, with him. Took in a broken Aaron under her arms, bared with his ups and downs, watched him grow into a better person, at least that’s what Aaron had hoped he had become, stayed patient when Aaron said they couldn’t date because of his brother, never called him a coward for his decisions, she waited, patiently, bared Andrew’s wrath, faced her parents about having a boyfriend who is a murderer. Aaron had thought all of these were a sign for a life that was destined to be spent together. 

But it wasn’t, and now Aaron felt like a fool.

He had been saving money, to buy this ring for a long time now. He bought the perfect ring that would look perfect on Katelyn’s thin, long fingers. He had planned the whole afternoon, just the two of them, they had gone to the park, with a picnic basket full of pastries and pink champagne, they had spent a great afternoon and as the sun was setting, he had gone down on one knee and asked the question. Katelyn had stared at his face, and urgently told him to get up before anyone saw them. 

She was furious, they had not planned this, how could he ask her such a question out of the blue, they were only on their 4th year of university, she was not ready. Aaron tried to apologize, tell her it didn’t mean anything, that they could just forget about it. Katelyn had gotten more frustrated, telling him how could they continue dating when he had such ideas and she didn’t.

She proceeded to call her friend to pick her up, not listening to Aaron begging. He didn’t remember the last time he had begged this much. Maybe to his mother, when the beating got too unbearable, but at the end, his mother was all he had. And now, Katelyn was all he had.

“Kate, please, listen to me, we don’t need to break up, why do you think we need to break up?”

“Aaron, how am I supposed to look at your face remembering you wanted to marry me? I don’t want it Aaron, but with every little thing, you are going to get your hopes up. We can’t be together.”

“But you don’t have to cut me off” he had begged, just like the song that was blasting through his headphones right now. But she didn’t listen, got into the car of her cheerleader friend and drove off, leaving Aaron standing alone with a ring box in hand. 

He wasn’t sure where he was now, he didn’t wonder outside of the campus a lot, except for close by parks. He could feel his phone vibrating in his back pocket, but it only made him turn the sound of his mp3 higher. He wanted to throw the box, far, far away, but he didn’t. The box clutched in his hand, he lifted it high up, ready to throw but lowered it, staring at his fingers turning white from the tight grip. 

He sat down where he was standing under a lamppost, the light illuminating his arms, he looked down at them as if he was seeing them for the first time. He remembered feeling this way once upon a time, long, long ago. But he wasn’t sober than, he was in a hazy state, not remembering who he was or what he looked like. This time he was sober, and it hurt more, the intensity of harsh reality cutting right through, making him feel every drop of blood, something he never felt with the haziness that came with the drugs. With drugs, it was numb, far away, less painful. 

He craved that so, so much at the moment. To find comfort in the bright colors that sprung from the corners of his eyes, or his world spinning, giving him a rush of adrenaline, when normally he felt so alone. 

Before Higgins, he always felt an emptiness, something, someone missing. In her drugged state, his mother would call him a name that sounded so similar to his, yet so strange. When he was small, he didn’t know what his real name was. Often, his mother forgot it. As he got older, he started imagining a friend, to fill the emptiness inside the house. He called his new friend the name his mother called him sometimes, that way it made sense. Whenever his mother called the wrong name, he would turn to his new friend, smile, and tell him mum was calling for him, and proceed to laugh at his joke by himself. His mother beat him up once when she realized that he was talking to no one. She had said that she could not afford a crazy child. He never saw his friend again, until he was thirteen.

His imaginary friends name was Andrew. His mother often would call him Andrew when she was high, now he knew why. 

After Higgins had mistaken him for Andrew, his life had shifted. He had hope that he had found his missing piece. When he first visited Andrew at Juvie age fourteen, his perfect imaginary world was crushed. Andrew didn’t want to do anything with him. He cried all night in his bed, praying to God to make Andrew like him. 

He skipped school most days to visit Andrew, Andrew was never pleased to see him. The workers at Juvie were always nice to him, letting him see Andrew when it wasn’t visiting day or taking off Andrew’s cuffs because they felt sorry for the twin brothers who were separated by their mother. 

Most days, Andrew didn’t speak, Aaron asked a lot and got no answer, but he didn’t want to give up, he couldn’t. This boy sitting in front of him was his friend since five, who had made his mum’s presence more bearable. It was him, his friend, embodied flesh and bone in front of him. 

But Aaron could see, see that Andrew didn’t give two fucks about him. It hurt; his mother’s mockery hurt more. He had called up his cousin that he saw only twice in his life, his mum forbiting them visiting his Uncle. Nicky was distant, telling Aaron he was so sorry he was going through this but there wasn’t anything he could do, because he was leaving for Germany.

He hated Nicky, hated him for leaving him, later on hated Eric for making his cousin happier than Aaron ever could. So, he turned to drugs. He would sit next to his mother, watch as she injected heroine to her arm, or snorted the cocaine right from the kitchen table, he did the same. His mother never said anything, except for the times he stole way more than he should have from her stash, even then his mum didn’t spoke, but her fists did. 

He was happier now when he visited Andrew, making Andrew frown more. Andrew didn’t talk much, but when he did, he often said Tilda wasn’t a good mother. Aaron knew he was just angry, angry at Aaron for being the twin that got picked up, angry at Tilda for leaving him. But Aaron knew Tilda was good, she took him for ice cream when she was too harsh on him, always encouraged him to do better at school, always demanding the best grades, so he could get into a good school. Andrew didn’t agree, but then again Aaron didn’t except him to. 

Aaron also didn’t except Andrew to kill her. His whole world had crashed. He was left with no mother and a brother who he had only been living with for five months. A brother that didn’t talk to him unless he spoke first, even then not responding. He was left alone; he was angry at Andrew. Tilda was harsh but so was every mother, he didn’t have the right to kill his mother like that. What were they supposed to do now, all alone? 

Nicky had come back from Germany for them, forcing them to move from Cali to Columbia, forcing Aaron to leave his childhood friends behind. New school, new house, a brother that didn’t talk to him and a cousin who rather be in Germany. Aaron hated it, he was fast on finding a dealer in Columbia, a gang that made him pay for the drugs with different methods when he didn’t have enough money. 

When Aaron had saw the video of Gerard Way screaming “I suck dick for cocaine” on YouTube, he had started listening to MCR. 

Then Andrew locked him up in the bathroom. Aaron was claustrophobic, he was locked in there for 8 days. Even now when they were at Columbia, he avoided that bathroom, he also broke the lock of the other one, in case he got locked inside. 

Sitting under the lamppost, he was craving that dizziness so bad. He was craving the serenity it brough with it, the feeling of inhaling the white powder as if it was air to his lungs. And he was so out of breath, he was suffocating. Katelyn could help him breathe, but she was gone know. Maybe Andrew was right, no women in his life wanted him. He just wanted to be wanted. He wanted to be acknowledged by his brother for years, while his brother gave his full trust to a lying bastard within months. 

With Neil’s stupid therapy idea, Andrew now only talked to him at therapy, and occasionally a small talk. But when Neil had first showed up, he had gotten the full attention of Andrew. What was so different about Neil back then and never about Aaron? 

He averted his eyes upwards when he saw a pair of lights flash on his outstretched legs. A car parked in front of him, he heard the front door opening, someone kneeled down onto his height, he fully lifted his eyes to meet with his own pair of eyes. Sometimes when he looked at Andrew, he saw himself, and sometimes when he looked at the mirror, he saw Andrew and that scared him. 

Staring into his eyes, Andrew picked up his disregarded headphones on the sidewalk, slipping them on. Using this moment, Aaron slipped the box to the pocket of his jacket. The same song was still playing on repeat, Somebody that I Used to Know. Andrew raised one eyebrow at him, Aaron shrugged. Taking the headphones off, Andrew shoved them in Aaron’s lap. 

“Get up, its late, Nicky is worried.” Aaron did not move. Not that he didn’t want to, he just couldn’t find the energy in himself to do so. Andrew stood above him for a while, but even his patience ran out as he pulled Aaron up from his armpits. 

“I am not here to watch your self-pity.”

“Then leave.” Aaron said, his voice coming out louder then he intended to. Andrew gazed him, then shook his head and gotten into his car, not their car, his car that Aaron had no privilege to drive, as if he wasn’t related to Andrew. 

“I am not getting into a car I am not even allowed to drive” Aaron said, he didn’t know why he was even saying that, but once he was angry, all the things he had bottled up slipped away from his mouth, leaving people more upset with him and him hating himself for it. He saw Andrew tense inside the car, he didn’t know why. 

“Get inside the car Aaron” Andrew said, his patience ran out long ago. Aaron didn’t know why that made him happy, but he was glad his existence could finally draw out some reaction from his brother. Or maybe he simply missed being yelled at. 

“No” Aaron said stumping his feet on the floor. He heard Andrew mutter fucking shit under his breath and slam his car door closed. There was excitement rising in Aaron’s chest. Andrew walked up to him, pushing him against the lamppost he was previously sitting under, Aaron was trapped under Andrew’s gaze, he only needed to raise his hand and it would take one blow to put him in his place. Aaron was aching for it, challenging Andrew to take the blow.

“Go ahead, hit me” he said. He saw the emotions flicker in Andrew’s face, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to feel, happy cause he made his brother feel or sad because he didn’t get the punishment he deserved. 

“Get inside the car” Andrew said backing away from him. This time, he didn’t protest as he moved away from Andrew and pulled the passenger door open. They drove in silence as Aaron tried to understand what he had just felt, but he couldn’t come up with anything. The box in his pocket was burning him more than it did earlier, leaving him flaming in shame and agony, he didn’t want to tell Andrew or any of the Foxes. He didn’t want Andrew to “deal” with it and he didn’t want anyone’s sympathy. 

Back in the dorms, the climbed the stairs ahead of Andrew, he didn’t want to see his face until he was forced to next day at practice. Reaching their floor, he realized all the doors on their floor were open. Nicky was anxiously pacing the corridor up and down as Matt talked to the second year backliner Aaron felt somewhat close to. He saw Tyler, football player for Palmetto, who lived on the second floor sitting down in front of his dorm room with some of his team mates. Aaron knew Tyler from on campus parties, he had carried Aaron many times back to the dorms, and from there their friendship started. Kevin was leaning on his own dorm door, eyeing Tyler and his friends and he bit his lip, a nervous habit he had. Neil was with Robin standing next to Kevin, talking in hushed tones. It was Matt who spotted him first, yelling out Nicky’s name, who gasped loudly as he rushed over and pulled Aaron to his chest. 

“Do you know how late it is, and I called Kate and she said she didn’t know where you were that she had left with her friend, do you know how late it is.” Nicky was saying but all he could focus on was how Katelyn didn’t tell Nicky that they had broken up. She had left the burden to do so on his shoulders, but he didn’t want to, he wasn’t going to. He felt another hand on his shoulder, lifting his head from Nicky’s chest, he saw Tyler smiling down at him with his big brown eyes and a smile that was always crooked in one corner, but he always looked handsome to Aaron with his dark skin and broad shoulders, big smile and loud voice. The football team had taken Aaron under their wing against Kevin’s wishes, since Tyler was their captain and Aaron spent most of his time at their table during parties. 

“I am glad to see you are alive little guy” Tyler said touching the top of his head, Aaron gave him a small nod as the other members of the team followed him downstairs. Seeing that Aaron was back Neil went back inside to his room, Robin following behind, the second year backliner hugged him right after Nicky, telling him how worried she was. Matt was standing over him, one arm out stretched, as if he was ready to catch him if he tried to bolt. Andrew whispered something to Nicky’s ear to which Nicky frowned deeply. Andrew left him there without a word, but Aaron wasn’t surprised at that. 

As Andrew entered his room, Kevin lifted himself of where he was standing and headed over to Aaron. Standing face to face with him, he touched Aaron’s cheek with his open palm, cupping the side of Aaron’s face. Aaron held his breath, he was so close to Kevin, that he could see the faint freckles that were starting to resurface with the spring sun. 

“Don’t disappear again” was all Kevin said as he pulled his hand back and headed to his room. Aaron was left staring to the empty place where Kevin had just stood. He could consider himself close friends with Kevin, especially since the chocking accident and Andrew and Neil spending more time together and with Nicky spending long hours facetiming Eric, it was usually Aaron and Kevin left together. Which Aaron didn’t mind as much as he thought he would. Kevin was funny when he needed to be, he was passionate and he was open to learning new things once you showed enough patience to teach it to him. Aaron liked spending time with him. 

He was there every night on their couch in Columbia house, holding Kevin’s head between his arms after Riko’s death. No one understood how Kevin felt as much as Aaron did, they were angry at him, furious for crying over the death of someone who had abused him for years, but Aaron understood the feeling of losing someone that was with you, your everything your whole life. Jean had stopped picking up Kevin’s phones about Riko after a while, whereas Neil was having a hard time understanding how Kevin couldn’t get over it even if he tried to sympathize. Andrew didn’t even try; he had told Kevin to cut it off or he would throw him out of his house. Aaron had yelled at Andrew that night, telling him if he was going to act that way, he could take his boy-toy and leave. And Andrew did, leaving Aaron and Kevin alone in Columbia. Nicky was in Germany for the summer. 

Aaron spent the whole time they were alone listening to Kevin, calming him down from his anxiety attacks, holding him as he broke down. That was two summers ago, now Kevin was leaving in a few months and Aaron didn’t know if Kevin would talk to him ever again, and it was making him sad. 

Nicky wrapped his arms around Aaron’s shoulders as he pulled him into their room and closed the door firmly behind them. 

Days moved past in a haze, practice sucked and Katelyn avoided him in class. It was hard since they shared almost every class together. As Katelyn skipped past him, he skipped past his meals. It was easy, no one noticed he wasn’t eating, except when Matt forced a breakfast burrito or scrambled eggs to him in the mornings. He was drinking more at EDEN’s, but it didn’t fill in the need for a drug. Roland was eyeing him weird as he said he couldn’t serve him without Andrew being there, to which Aaron yelled at him, telling Roland that Andrew wasn’t his master and he clearly wasn’t Roland’s anymore since he was fucking Neil. A new worker that didn’t know who they were had hit Aaron that night, earning himself two black eyes from Andrew. Andrew threatened to stop taking him to EDEN’s to which Aaron said he didn’t want to be there anyway and didn’t go with them the next weekend. 

That could have been the most foolish thing Andrew had done, he thought to himself as he headed across campus to the dorm of the campus drug dealer, who Aaron happened to be friends with from parties. I will only get a roll of weed he said, weed wasn’t a drug, it could count as a medicine almost. Weed wasn’t addictive, Aaron technically wasn’t even breaking his sobriety. He would have had a better self-control if he hadn’t drowned a full bottle of vodka, he stole from Matt. Matt was in Columbia with the rest of them. 

Knocking on the door, he could see the cloud of smoke surrounding the dorm room, taking one breath inside that room could send a person flying high. Sitting on the couch later in the night, he couldn’t feel his fingers or arms, looking down at his body, he knew it was his, he frowned, it wasn’t right, he shouldn’t know who he was, correction, he didn’t want to know who he was, he wanted to disappear. So, he picked one more joint, and one more. Next morning, he woke up on the bathroom floor, he was somehow in his own room, he threw himself into the shower, trying to wash of the smell from his body and mouth, he even rinsed his mouth with shampoo. He slept through whole day and through the arrival of Nicky and Matt.

He knew he was getting skinnier, and it was showing, his clothes were too big on him, but he liked that he could drown inside them, if he wanted, he could become invisible inside them. He also knew Abby was staring more at him, and he didn’t like the attention. He thought he could get away with his actions, until he bumped into Katelyn one afternoon, two weeks after their break up, she was linking arms with another boy. When she met Aaron’s eyes, her face paled, Aaron knew what he was seeing, so he backed away, slowly but then all at once, he took off running, he didn’t know where but he kept going. He ran and ran until he found himself in front of Foxhole court, it was late but the lights were on, he knew who was inside, he could see the car parked outside. 

Punching the code, he entered the stadium, he could hear the three of them practicing. He sat on the bench underneath Home, but he didn’t feel at home, he didn’t even know where home was anymore. It was in name in Columbia but Andrew called it my house, never ours. He thought it could be with Katelyn but that wasn’t the plan anymore. Aaron still loved her, he thought he always would. It hurt, he had never loved like that since his mum, he knew he loved Andrew but he knew he wasn’t loved back. He was loved back by Katelyn, or so he thought. He snapped back to reality with a hand waving in front of his face. It was Kevin, kneeling down in front of him, one hand resting on Aaron’s knee.

“Go take a shower” Kevin told him, Andrew was looking at him, Neil had a concerned look as he bit the inside of his cheek. Aaron knew he had many bite marks that were infecting, he knew because he was the one who gave Neil the medicine to heal them. 

“I don’t have clothes” he said automatically. Kevin sighed as if it wasn’t an important deal.

“I have extra go take a shower” he said, hauling Aaron to his feet.

After his shower, Aaron changed into Kevin’s clothes that were too big on him, but it didn’t matter since lately his own clothes were too big own him as well. He realized that he didn’t mind the sleeves that hanged off his arms, making him small but protected in a way, surrounded by Kevin’s smell. Sitting in the backseat of the Maserati with Kevin, he felt selfish as he snuggled closer to Kevin for more heat and tried to surround himself with Kevin’s smell. 

He had woken in his own bed, the only candidate to carry him up was Kevin, and the knowledge of it made something to his insides that he didn’t know what to call. Until the reality of seeing Katelyn and why ending up in the court hit. He dragged himself out of the bed, flopping on the sofa in the living room, earning a concerned look from Matt, making him sigh. 

“Aaron, mate, bro, come on you have to eat something, for me?” Aaron groaned.

“I am not hungry Matt, you saying for me isn’t going to make me eat.” 

“But it should.” Hearing that voice, he turned his head around, getting up from the sofa he had crushed on. Tyler was standing in the hallway, Nicky right behind him. Aaron raised his eyebrows at him, but Tyler headed into the kitchen, shaking his head, as he started opening the cabinets, asking Matt for directions. 

Nicky elbowed Aaron and gave him a smirk to which Aaron scoffed. Tyler handed him a French toast and an energy drink and sent him off to practice like a mother does to their kid, which had Aaron feeling cared for and of course feeling wrong. The food in his stomach did not help either. Running around the court, all Aaron could think was the food dissolving in his stomach, turning into calories and sticking into his skin as fat. Drugs, he thought, drugs kept you skinny, he needed drugs quickly to get rid of the extra fat he just gained. He couldn’t take it anymore, he felt sick, leaning into the player closest to him, he lifted his stick up, signaling coach that he needed to leave court. 

He hurriedly headed to the bathroom, throwing up all of the food inside his stomach. Sitting with his back leaning to the door, he heard footsteps coming. “Aaron” Abby was knocking on the door. He raised high enough to get the door open, letting Abby push it open as he turned sideways to lean into the other barrier inside the stall. Abby sat down right outside of the stall, looking concerned. If Aaron looked deep enough into Abby’s eyes, he always got the urge to call her mum. She was the ideal mum he imagined Tilda being. 

“What’s wrong Aaron?”

“I’m sick.” 

“No, sweetie, you are not.” Abby hummed. Aaron nodded.

“I know” he whispered; face pressed to his knees. Abby gently touched them.

“Talk to me she said” he shook his head.

“You remind me of what I wished my mum would be like.” He said instead. Abby hummed again, cradling her hand through Aaron’s hair, which helped relax him.

“Is that bad Aaron?”

“No.”

They stayed there until the end of practice, Abby sending him off to change and giving him a stomach medicine to drink with homemade bread, which Aaron nibbled through the whole car ride back to dorms. 

He went to more campus parties, which he normally hated, but now he had nothing better to do. The library was occupied with Katelyn and her new boyfriend, and he rather drink his way through it then sit through it. The parties were shit, they smelled so too. The beer was always too warm and the music too loud. He stayed in the back, where the group who brought the heavy liquor and the weed lounged. He was too scared to get into heavier drugs, he was afraid of Nicky finding out, worse Matt finding out and getting hooked up on them again, he didn’t want to be the cause of Matt relapsing once more. He stuck to the normal weed and brushed the smell of, as if it was only stuck on him from the party. 

With his mind clouded, and the booze beating in his veins, he marched up to anyone who was available and stoop up on his tiptoes to kiss them. He always ended up being lifted up and pressed up against a wall buy the stronger guys, or hurried off to the bathroom by girls, so they can sit on the counter as Aaron leaned over them. He didn’t mind or care who he kissed, but he did like being pressed up against a wall or being towered over. 

He was sitting on the edge of the balcony railing when Tyler found him. Cautiously approaching, he wrapped a firm hand around Aaron’s shoulder in case the jerked forward. Tyler had seen him from the far end of the room, climbing up the rail and slinging his feet over the other end. The moment Tyler saw it, he grabbed his nearest team mate and charged over to where Aaron was. Tyler had witnessed many drunken confessions from Aaron about how much he wanted Andrew to notice him and how desperate he was for his brother’s attention. But lately Aaron had been drinking for another cause, that frustrated Tyler not knowing about. He also could see the clothes hanging off the other boy’s back and it broke his heart. When he first met Aaron, he wasn’t a cheery or happy person, he was straight up rude and arrogant but there was kindness to him that took time to crack. But now, he was sad, losing too much weight too fast, with bags under his eyes that were getting darker by the day. He often questioned why his family wasn’t doing anything about it and it made him more furious. 

With his hand holding Aaron, he sat down sideways on the rail next to him, close enough to pull him gently into his chest and lift him up without dropping him. 

“Hey” he said gently, trying to not spook Aaron.

“I think my family hates me.” It was the same story Tyler listened every time, but he would always listen because it was better than not hearing Aaron’s voice ever again. 

“I think Nicky hates me because he thinks I hate him for being gay, I don’t hate him for that, I just don’t like when he openly talks about sex and it’s not that I don’t support Andrew it’s just I don’t or at least didn’t want him to be with Neil. But I see that he makes Andrew happy, so I can be cool with it I guess. But I can’t like Neil. I can’t like him when he grabbed Andrew’s attention in a few months but I still can’t even if I try and it hurts me because I want Andrew to be my brother.”

Aaron was crying, voice breaking between sobs as Tyler gathered him in his arms and headed out of the party with his team mate, Jason, following close behind them. Aaron was still mumbling about Andrew and occasionally Katelyn and how people who he loved left him and he was undeserving of love, and he wanted to die. To the last one, Tyler hugged Aaron closer to his chest, trying to shield the boy from whatever it was that was hurting him. 

Jason knocked on Aaron’s door, a half-asleep Matt opened it, but quickly recovered at the sight of Aaron in Tyler’s arms. He let them in and showed them Aaron’s bed. Tyler gently laid Aaron down on the bed, telling him that he would come to pick Aaron up for brunch the next morning. 

Outside their door, Matt thanked them many times, but Tyler only wanted to know one thing, which one was Andrew’s dorm. Matt bit his lip as he pointed to Tyler the room, to which he thanked and told Matt to go back inside. 

Tyler, with Jason right behind his heels, knocked on Andrew’s door. It was late, he knew, but he needed to talk to Andrew before Aaron did something unreversible. Neil Josten opened the door, looking half sleepy, half confused.

“I need to speak to Andrew” Tyler said, Jason stepping closer to stand next to his side. They probably looked like two idiots trying to pick up a fight on the street, but it did not matter. Neil briefly closed the door, shouted something into the room and re-opened the door to let them in. 

Kevin Day was sitting on the couch, a book in his hand, Andrew was sitting on a table pushed in front of the window, smoking. He did not turn to look at their arrival. Neil crossed the room and sat on the other end of the table Andrew was smoking on. Tyler cleared his throat before speaking up. 

“You need to talk to Aaron, but not jus…

“You can’t tell me what I need to do, especially with my brother.”

“I am not telling you what to do as if you are obligated to do it, I am just suggesting you what you need to do so your brother doesn’t kill himself.” The sound of Kevin slamming his book shut echoed around the room briefly, Tyler turned to look at him, the star striker of Palmetto was looking pale and worried. Andrew didn’t seem hazed by the outburst and continued to stare out of the window. 

“Every time he gets drunk, which is all the time lately, he talks about how he wishes you cared for him, how it hurts to be close to you but not be able to reach out to you, how he thinks that you hate him, and he doesn’t belong to the Foxes. But what drew the last straw was him pleading to die in my arms tonight, and I will not wake up to a day where Aaron killed himself and I could have done something to prevent it.” 

Jason put a hand on his shoulder, he realized that he was shouting now, he took a deep breath before continuing. 

“I don’t know what you two do at therapy but whatever it is, it’s clearly not working. He talks about how you talk to him, barely, at therapy and ignore his presence until next Wednesday. He says summers are better, that you guys actually interact and it makes him happy, but Andrew I don’t think you realize the power you have over his happiness. Just talk to him, it doesn’t even have to be a long conversation, just acknowledge that he is there, you will see the difference in his mood immediately, don’t make him feel like he doesn’t exist, his mother has done that to him all his life.”

“Are you comparing me to Tilda?”

“I am not comparing you to Tilda, I am telling you to not act like he doesn’t exist. He told me that he just wishes to have a brother. I won’t say anything more, but know that if I see no improvement, I will interfere.”

Turning around and grabbing Jason’s arm, for support rather than dragging him outside, he hurried down the stairs to his floor. He had done what he could do for now, he knew Andrew would do something about, or at least hoped so. 

Aaron woke up in his bed, feeling sick, his mouth dry, turning to his side, someone handed him a bottle. He cracked one of his eyes open, the light hurting his head, he could make out shapes of people, but he wasn’t sure who they were. Groaning, he tried to aim the bottle to his mouth, failing and spilling the water all over his chest. He heard someone cursing and rushing over with paper towels. He closed his eyes again. The next time he woke up, Nicky was sitting at the end of his bed. He blinked dumbly at the ceiling for a while, listening to the buzz of sounds around him. 

“You missed Tyler and Jason; don’t worry they did not see you spill water on yourself.”

“Don’t worry Matt, they saw worse things.” He heard Matt hum; he didn’t turn to look at him but he guessed he was sitting on the floor. He felt Nicky rubbing shooting, lazy figures to his calves. He didn’t have it in his heart to protest. Tyler must have carried him back last night, he didn’t remember much, but he knew whatever it was, it was enough to make Nicky worry. 

“We are going to Columbia.”

“What, why? Why are we going only for one night?” 

“Andrew said it would be nice.” 

“No.”

“Well, you are coming.” Nicky said getting up from the bed and started packing two bags for them. 

“I am not coming just because he told me to.”

“Andrew isn’t the one who is forcing you to come, he just said we should go to Columbia, I am the one forcing you, you are coming.” 

Aaron couldn’t argue with Nicky, not after the state he came to the room last night, probably worrying Nicky half out of his mind, he knew it would be unfair to him. 

Ever since Matt started joining them on Columbia weekends, the backseat had gotten more uncomfortable. With three tall and two muscly players, Aaron was suffocating with his small body squashed to the door. Nicky always offered that he could sit on his lap, ending up with Aaron throwing a tantrum for ten minutes straight. He would kick the back of driver’s seat, hoping it annoyed Andrew out of his mind. Andrew being the -resting-bitch-face- as always, didn’t let out any annoyance or emotion whatsoever, so Aaron could never know if he succeeded or not. 

They were once again going to be squashed in the back seat, and even in his hangover state, Aaron could complain about it. He was standing outside the car, arms crossed over his chest, refusing to enter the car. 

“Stop being a fucking brat.” Neil called over to him. “Easy for you to say, you get the passenger seat as always, I am dying back here every week.”

He waited for Kevin to get in, so he can get in last and practice his acting as a French Press. But Kevin stood there next to him, he had the same look on his face when he was on court, contemplating his next move. 

“If you sit with your one leg draped over Nicky’s and one leg over mine, you can be more comfortable.” Aaron lifted his head up to squint at him. “Huh” was all he could say. Kevin gestured him to get into the car and Aaron feeling dumb folded and tired, he sat down on Nicky’s lap, waiting for Kevin to settle himself. Kevin closed the door behind him and Aaron draped his other leg over Kevin’s leg. 

The ride was quiet, only sound filling in the silence was the radio station playing shitty songs. Matt was reading, Nicky was on his phone and surprisingly so was Kevin. Aaron didn’t know who he could be texting and it made him want to know. He shifted his weight more onto Kevin’s leg, leaning his back on Kevin’s chest, trying to sneak a look at his phone. But Kevin lifted his arm, draped it over Aaron’s shoulders and moved his phone to his other hand. Now Aaron couldn’t see anything. Frustrated, he huffed. Kevin turned his head to stare at him, head cocked to the side in a silent question.

“Who are you texting?” there was a pause before Kevin answered.

“Thea.” 

“You are still dating her?” he asked, he was annoyed, he had thought they had broken up. He didn’t remember the last time Kevin met with Thea, and they didn’t seem to be doing long distance dating like Eric and Nicky were. Aaron had only seen Thea once, it was last summer when they drove Kevin to meet up with Thea in Columbia but Kevin never mentioned her since, and Aaron thought it was the end of it. 

“Are you dating her?” 

“Yes, Aaron she is my girlfriend.” Aaron scoffed. 

“What is it?” Kevin asked annoyed. 

“I don’t think she is good for you. When Riko broke you hand all those years ago, she didn’t call you once, and she was mad at you for going to the Foxes, without asking you to explain, she cut you off. She never called or texted for a year, only showed up when you gave an explanation on TV, even then she was rude, she only calls after your games, hell I didn’t even realize you two were still dating. She is not supportive of you, she still lives with the Raven mentality, something you are desperately trying to escape every day, but she is pulling you back, scolding you when you want to be free.”

“All of the people in this car have someone that hurt them before in their life, but they found a solid support system that they can rely on now. You are actively ruining yours by staying with her. When I killed someone, Katelyn didn’t question it, she didn’t judge” he said, voice breaking because Katelyn wasn’t there with him anymore, he was her support system, the person who held him up all these years, and he thought they would spend the rest of their lives together. Blinking back his tears he continued;

“Nicky has Eric, Matt has Dan and Andrew and Neil have each other, and what, you have Thea? Kevin just look at it the way we see it, it’s not right, and I know that you know it. She was there with you in the Nest, she saw you getting abused, she never said anything, she didn’t believe it when you told her it was Riko who broke your hand, and she still expects you to live by the Nest rules.”

“You don’t get it.”

“What don’t I get Kevin? It’s all perfectly clear, it’s just you who needs to realize that its toxic.”

He remembered that they weren’t alone in the car, and he wished that he thought about it beforehand. It was too late now, there was an awkward silence. He saw Neil trying to hide his smile with the back of his hand, Nicky squeezed his leg once, he did the mistake of looking at Andrew’s direction. They locked gazes in the review mirror. He did not turn his head, never breaking their interlocked gaze. Andrew gave him a small nod and turned back to the road. He felt a small warmth spread at his chest. He caught himself with a half-formed smile on his face, he rubbed his face quickly and buried his head in Nicky’s chest and pretended to be asleep for the rest of the ride. 

Not that he would ever admit to it, a day spent in Columbia did bring his spirits up just a little. He spent a day without having to run into Kate and his new boyfriend and he was glad about it. But once back on campus, everything was back to its shitty reality. It was hard to avoid Katelyn since she was nearly in his every class and sadly so was Kate’s new boyfriend. Aaron knew who the guy was, they had briefly talked once or twice, he wasn’t pre-med like them but they had corresponding classes. 

His grades were going down, he knew that, soon his professors would call Wymack and he did not look forward to Wymack’s “you are my hope for this team’s GPA and academic success, you are a jock with a 4.0 GPA in pre-med, I show off with you in the banquets, how can you do this to me?” It was true, he had witnessed many times Wymack pulling him to his side, telling the other Exy coaches how Aaron was a successful backliner and had 4.0 GPA in pre-med like a father in parent-meeting conference. He hated to disappoint him. 

He stopped when he heard someone call out his name. it was one of the cheerleaders. Aaron had used to hang out with them a lot, to the point where he was part of their social group. But with the break up, he knew he was cast out. Except for occasional greetings and nods his way, none of the cheerleaders spoke to him. The cheerleader standing in front of him now, Jade, was looking around in worry, in case someone saw them together. 

“Hi” she greeted trying to sound cheerful but it was obvious she was anxious. “I saw Tyler carrying you out of the party last Friday, are you okay?” Aaron rubbed his face, trying so hard not to roll his eyes. 

“Yes, Jade, I am fine, thank you.” She smiled at him. 

“Good to know, will you be coming to the party today?” 

“What party?”

“It’s a party in the Fox Tower parking lot, a party only hosted for the jocks, but cheerleaders are invited of course.” 

“Is Kate coming?”

“Yes.” She said scrunching her face. He had heard some of the cheerleaders talking about how they rather Kate be with Aaron and how it was sad that they broke up, right after Aaron proposed to her. But because of the cheer code or whatever they were not allowed to talk to Aaron. 

“Well, good for her, I’m still going.” 

“Okay” Jade said nodding, “Just wanted to give a heads-up, bye Aaron” and with that she rushed off. Great, Aaron thought to himself, he had been able to avoid Kate all this time because she wasn’t a party type, he wasn’t a campus party type either, he had just started going to avoid her and her boyfriend. But he wasn’t going to sulk around in his room, especially if the party was right under his window. 

It wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be, there were people sitting behind their truck’s trunk, on the hood of their cars, the music wasn’t bad and the beer was cold. It wasn’t crowded since it was an open space. He headed over to where Tyler was. Kevin and Matt were sitting on the back of Matt’s truck, Nicky dancing with someone he had just met, Andrew rushing off to drive his car somewhere safe. Seeing Aaron approach, the football team placed a drink in his hand quickly. Aaron just wanted to stick by Tyler’s side and avoid Katelyn if possible. 

Matt was nursing his drink and watching out for Kevin, who was trying to take it easy on the amount of alcohol he consumed. Andrew and Neil were back, occupying the empty spaces left of from where Kevin was invading on the trunk. 

“Hey Aaron” said a girl, to Andrew, half tipsy, holding onto the arm of her friend. When “Aaron” didn’t respond she waved her hand in front of his eyes. Stepping in front of Andrew, Matt grabbed the girl’s wrist gently. 

“That’s Andrew.” 

“Oh” the girl said disappointed, she turned to her friend, “Its Andrew” 

“Aww “the other girl said as if she hadn’t just witnessed the conversation. 

“Well, if you see Aaron, tell him Kate didn’t show up after all so he is safe.” 

“Safe?” Neil asked. The girl hummed.

“Yeah, you know he doesn’t need to hide or anything she didn’t come he can enjoy his night.” The other girl was nodding along sadly to her friend’s words. 

“Why?” Nicky asked, approaching them, his dancing partner long forgotten. 

“Because they broke up?” the girl said. Matt turned around to see Andrew raise both his eyebrows and lift his head up to look at the girl. 

“What?” Nicky said, “they didn’t break up.”

“Nah-huh, they did, a month ago. It was tragic.” The girl said emphasizing on the tragic. Her friend nodded and took a long sip from her drink. 

“It’s like they were the goal couple you know, destined to end up together and poor Aaron” she said, lowering her tone “don’t let anyone know but we are team Aaron. I mean Stew is nice and all but he can never be Aaron.” 

“And the way they broke up” the other girl added “I was nearly going to cry; no wonder Aaron wastes himself at every party.”

“How is it that they broke up?” Nicky asked eyeing Andrew, trying to see if his cousin might make a sudden move and try to find either Aaron or Katelyn. 

“Okay tea, you are not ready for this, he proposed to her, and she said no, and he told her they did not need to break up but Kate refused.” 

Nicky felt frozen in his place, his cousin had proposed to Katelyn, without telling him and got dumped by the love of his love, and still didn’t tell him. Looking at Andrew’s facial expression, Nicky could guess why Aaron didn’t tell them. It was also the explanation of the night the disappeared, and his change in behavior, coming late from parties. Nicky still felt guilty, he should have sat Aaron down, pushed until he had gotten a satisfactory answer. 

Neil was holding tight onto Andrew’s wrist as Kevin got up and jumped down from the trunk, heading towards where Aaron last disappeared. 

“That’s not even the most tragic part, he tried to stay friends with her, she refused, now I see Aaron at every party, making out with anyone.”

“What do you mean anyone?” Matt asked. 

“Literally like anyone, boy, girl doesn’t matter, whoever he grabs.” Neil pulled down a getting up Andrew, tightening his grip on his wrist. Matt thanked the girls and ushered them off before anyone gotten hurt. 

Kevin was searching in the crowd, trying to find Aaron. He was angry, he wanted to get Aaron out of there and keep him sheltered in his room. That little hypocrite had the audacity to lecture him on toxic relationships and good support systems, when he had lost his own. Kevin was angry, but mostly at himself for not saying anything about how Aaron was acting. He was supposed to be one of his best friends. Aaron had helped him through Riko, he was the only one who stood by his side and he was letting Aaron down. He spotted Aaron’s dirty blonde hair, pressed up to a wall, a guy much taller than him crowding his space. Kevin watched as the guy lowered his head and kissed Aaron. 

Next thing he knew, he was standing over the guy, hand throbbing, with Aaron screaming at his ear. He grabbed Aaron’s arm and headed inside to the dorms. Aaron was struggling in Kevin’s grip, trying to free himself. Kevin had no right to punch that guy, with his broken hand. 

“Your hand” he gasped between breaths as Kevin was dragging him up the stairs. “It’s fine” was all Kevin said as he opened to door to his room and let Aaron in. Aaron headed to the fridge and took out an ice pack, wrapping it around a towel and handing it to Kevin, who was on the phone to probably Andrew. 

“I didn’t need your help, I was fine.”

“That guy was kissing you.”

“I know Kevin, I wanted him to.”

“You wanted a guy to kiss you?”

“Yes Kevin, I realized that I do, I want guys kissing me as well.”

“If you wanted guys to kiss you, you didn’t have to look too far out”

“What?” Aaron asked, but Kevin just shook his head and opened the door to reveal a fuming Andrew. Aaron was pinned to the wall before he knew how to react. 

“Speak” Andrew said, eyes fire.

“Hmm, if you are angry, you already know about it, why make me speak?” Andrew pushed him harder into the wall. Nicky called out for Andrew but his voice didn’t reach Andrew’s single-track mind. 

“You proposed to her” Aaron tried to look anywhere but Andrew’s eyes.

“What about it, here to tell me no women in my life wants me? Because you were right okay, they don’t.” Andrew made a sound that was close to growling.

“Go ahead, hit me now, I know you are always holding back, you and I both would be satisfied if you finally took the blow.”

“Fuck you” Andrew said, loosening his grip around Aaron’s collar. 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Nicky asked from behind Andrew’s shoulder. 

“I didn’t want Andrew to kill her” he said, no one in the room told him he was crazy or he was just assuming, they all looked at Andrew and quickly looked away. 

“Drinking your problems away isn’t the solution” Nicky said and Aaron scoffed, he met Kevin’s gaze for a second and tried not to laugh. 

“Whatever” he said, shaking his shoulders, signaling Andrew to let go off him. Andrew stepped back, giving Aaron his space. Aaron shook his head and headed to the door.

“What now, you kiss boys?” Andrew asked, his tone back to the steady bored Andrew voice. Aaron just hummed and mocked Andrew’s two finger salute as he banged the door closed behind him. He couldn’t deal with this; he didn’t want to deal with this. The sympathy that would come with the knowledge. He was fine on his own, he didn’t need to be babied by Nicky or feel Andrew’s gaze on bis back only when something bad happened. Never when he wanted it, only when Andrew thought it was worthy enough of a situation to pay attention to. 

It wasn’t a question weather Aaron would come with them to EDEN’s on Friday or not. Sitting between Kevin and Nicky again, his mind kept replaying that single phrase. 

“If you wanted guys to kiss you, you didn’t have to look too far out”

What had Kevin meant by that, look far out to where? To Kevin? Was he supposed to understand that Kevin liked him from that statement? Since when, and why? Because Andrew stopped paying him attention and he was sad about it, the next best thing to Andrew was Aaron? Or did Kevin simply like Aaron but never shoot his shot because they were both dating someone. It was another anomality in Aaron’s perfect life that he had planned out for himself. Normal, perfect life. The American Dream. 

He was kissing guys now, for fucks sake, he did not kiss guys, his mother had told him that guys did not kiss guys and his cousin was being shipped off to a camp that would help him get better, because he was confused. But how could it be a wrong thing if his gay cousin did more for him than his straight mother had ever done? Was it not a sin to give up your own child, abuse the other and feed him drugs? 

He hated what his mother had drilled into his head, and he hated that he missed his mother sometimes. That’s where he could understand Kevin, he was also living with the teachings of the Raven’s drilled into his head, knowing it wasn’t right but also trying to hold onto few good memories he had of Riko. Both of them were being delusional, trying to form an entire reality out of handful good memories that wouldn’t be enough to complete the picture. 

He wanted to forget, he needed to forget. The drink burning down his throat wasn’t enough; he needed the feel of relief that came after inhaling cocaine right into his lungs. He scrambled up the table they were sitting at EDEN’s, Kevin might have called out for him but he had one goal in his mind. He pushed sweaty bodies out if his way as he made it down the stairs to the dance floor. But he wasn’t here to dance tonight, he cut across the floor, turning to the right corner to head to the bathroom. He knew where his destination was, he had cataloged its location for later usage, stored in emergency section of his brain. 

The stash was spread across the counter, Aaron didn’t even need to fight someone to get it, the owner was already high enough to not fight back. Kneeling down, he snorted across the white thin lines already prepared on the dirty bathroom counter. He sat back and waited, slowly the bathroom lights started dancing around his vision, his head becoming too heavy to hold it up, he lied back down, feeling his soul leave his body and look down at him from above. 

There were noises around him, angry shouting, someone pleading him to open his eyes. But he was feeling free, he did not bother to open his eyes. Pair of strong arms lifted him up, it smelled like comfort and safety, it smelled like Kevin. 

It smelled like Kevin? Did he just say Kevin was comfort and safety?

Did he just say Kevin picked him up? 

He started panicking, his breathing losing its slow, lazy pattern, turning into something frantic. Kevin shouldn’t have found him, Kevin shouldn’t know, Andrew shouldn’t know.

“Kevin” he whispered into the darkness. Why was it so dark? What had happened to the lights that were dancing around his vision. Kevin’s face kept coming up into his vision and disappearing, yellow, black, yellow, black. 

“It’s okay, just stay awake” That must have been Kevin, but where were they? 

“We are going home now don’t worry” No, they couldn’t go home, Andrew would lock him up again, and he did not want that, he could not do that. 

He heard a voice that resembled his own in the distance. 

“Nicky, go take out all the sharp objects from the bathroom.”

“Andrew, no” 

“Go.”

No, Aaron would not go through that again, he would not spend eight days locked up in his worst nightmare. He started squirming in the grip that was holding him. There was wetness on his face, he must have been crying but all he could feel was panic. He couldn’t breathe, he knew those walls would close on him, he knew Andrew would lock him up inside. His own voice was ringing in his ears, he was screaming, he would fight rather than fall into the trap like last time. 

“I fucking tried to protect you from Tilda’s habits. And now you go and pick them up again. Why, after all these years, are you being an idiot?” 

Aaron was shaking, he could feel it, he wasn’t sure if it was because he was sweating cold sweats, the panic or the anger. 

“Why do you only care when I am fucking dying? Why can’t you be caring towards me in a normal time as well?” he was slurring on his words. He couldn’t stand up on his own, Kevin was holding him up, and he was shaking, he knew that, but he wanted to get his feelings out. 

“You say you want the best for me but then you ignore me, what if the best for me is us being actual brothers. I am not waiting for a miracle to happen and us acting like we were never separated but why are we wasting our time now that we found each other?” 

He had wished he wasn’t having this conversation high; he had wished he could see Andrew’s facial expression. But everything was spinning and colors were merging. 

“Inside” Andrew said. His tone cold. “No” Aaron whispered; he couldn’t go through that again. 

“No” a stronger voice said, Aaron wished he could lift his head up to look at his face. Kevin was holding onto his too thin, too fragile body. 

“I got him, I will stay with him through his withdrawal and we can drive back to Palmetto and you can visit Betsy, but no locking anyone inside the bathroom, not this time.”

Aaron felt strong arms picking him up, gently laying him down on his soft bed. He felt the mattress dip with someone’s weight, he felt a cold towel brush over his skin, there was arguing outside of the door. 

“Sorry” Aaron mumbled. 

“Shh, baby, it will be alright.” Nicky’s soft voice said, Aaron raised his hand trying to grab onto Nicky’s wrist. Nicky took Aaron’s shirt off, placing him in clean clothes. 

“Nicky, are you my real mum?” He felt warm lips curve into a smile on his forehead.

“Yes, of course.” 

Light briefly entered the room, illuminating Nicky’s tired face, Kevin placed an empty bucket next to his side of the bed. He felt the bed dip once more, Kevin’s heat warming his body. He rolled over to his side, trying to nuzzle into Kevin’s soft grip. There was a soft melody filling the room, Kevin’s chest vibrating with the melody. “I’ve got you” someone was whispering, Aaron smiled. He tried to hold onto Kevin more, disappear in his arms, Kevin was pretty with his green eyes and freckles under his eyes, his tongue sticking out from the corner of his mouth when Aaron was showing him something new. He was kind, when he wanted to be, he was passionate, desperately trying to hold onto the memory of his mother through Exy. Aaron liked looking at Kevin, he liked knowing Kevin was happy. 

“I love you” Aaron whispered into Kevin’s neck. Kevin tightened his grip. 

“You helped me after Riko, I am going to help you get better.”

There were many tears as Aaron went through a withdrawal, there were many dirtied clothes and emptied buckets. Kevin stayed through it all, Nicky and Matt helping. Once he started feeling like he was back in his own body, he opened his eyes, trying to make out what day or hour it was. The room looked empty, but he noticed the figure sitting on his desk.   
“Drew?” he called out; voice raspy from all that throwing up. 

“You were doing so good, nearly 6 years sober.” Aaron felt his face heat up.

“M’sorry” he said and he was, it felt like he had betrayed his family, both Nicky’s and Andrew’s trust. Andrew stood up from where he was sitting and crouched down in front of Aaron. 

“We will fix this; we will talk to Bee.” 

“I don’t like Bee”

“You do.”

“Do not.” 

“Shut up.” Aaron stuck his tongue out to him. He did need to speak to Betsy, even if he felt like she was always taking Andrew’s side and he did not like that. 

“Where is Kevin?” 

“Taking a nap, taking care of you is hard work.” 

“Will she, lock me up somewhere?”

“Nobody is locking you up.”

“But you tried.”

“I know I am sorry.” Aaron turned to face Andrew; he had never heard his brother apologize before. Andrew believed in ‘no regrets’ but maybe therapy really was helping him get better. 

The ride back to Palmetto was tense, Aaron placed himself fully seated on Kevin’s lap and Kevin didn’t seem to mind. He watched the scenery change as the listened to Kevin’s steady heartbeat. It felt good, it felt like he belonged somewhere, inside Kevin’s arms. But the ride back meant the talk with Bee. Nicky insisted that he wanted to be there for the session and Andrew agreed. After dropping the others off, Kevin placing a kiss on Aaron’s forehead as goodbye, Andrew drove them to their emergency meeting with Bee. 

She was waiting for them with three cups of hot chocolate but Aaron’s stomach was still feeling sensitive. Andrew picked up his mug and settled himself in his usual spot. Nicky looked out of place but tried his best to keep his nerves down for the twins. The last he sat down for a long conversation with a therapist, not counting the mandatory Betsy visits the Foxes had, was at the conversion camp, and that was something he did not wish to remember. 

Aaron was biting his thumb, ripping the skin off with his teeth. After assessing the room, Bee smiled with her big (fake in Aaron’s opinion) smile. 

“Would you like to tell me what has been going on from the start Aaron?”   
No, Aaron wanted to say, I don’t, I don’t even like you, but biting the inside of his cheek, he knew this was the best option he had.

“I asked Katelyn to marry me, a month ago, she said no, I told her it didn’t change anything that we could still continue to be us, but she didn’t agree, she left. She was the first woman I loved after my mum, first woman who loved me back without hurting me. And I felt empty, after she left, but I didn’t want to tell Nicky and Andrew because I knew Andrew would hurt her, I didn’t want to get into drugs, it was only just weed at first, but then they found out, and Kevin told me if I wanted to kiss guys I didn’t need to look too far away and everything was complicated and I was drunk so I did it.” 

“You told Andrew that you wanted him to be your brother, now that you found each other you should not waste your time”

“I… did?” his voice came out a question, he did not remember what he had said. 

“Do you miss your mother Aaron?”

“I, yes? Yes. I do. The only thing of value my mother ever gave me was pain, and Andrew wants to take that away from me, when he himself nearly died trying to hold onto Cass’s mother figure. He killed Tilda because it was easy for him, and I killed Drake but it did not matter, what if I had killed Cass for not realizing what his son was doing to Andrew? What if I killed her for being an ignorant parent? Andrew is too quick to judge me for trying to hold onto a few happy memories of my mother, or at Nicky for trying to find a way to forgive his mother who cast him out, without realizing he nearly killed himself to have a mother in his life.”

“And does that anger you.”

“Yes of course it fucking angers me, after taking out the only family figure I had in my life, he didn’t even try to become a part of my life, he did not speak to me unless I spoke first, what was I supposed to do.”

Andrew turned sideways at his chair to look at him. 

“You were angry, I thought you would be happy that it was only two of us left but you were angry at me.”

“I thought you killed her because she gave you up for adoption, I didn’t fucking know why you did what you did until your boyfriend showed up. If you want me to know what you think, speak your mind.” “And also, why does Neil get the privilege to talk to you more, where I bust my ass off here to get one single glance from you”

“I think” Nicky started, both heads turning to him, “both of you love each other, but Andrew is too arrogant and Aaron is too stubborn, you two do get along in summer when it’s only the both of you, I think you just need to spend more time together, putting your tempers aside”

Bee smiled at Nicky. Aaron wanted to punch that smile off of her face.

“I think that is a wonderful idea Nicky. I think spending alone time outside of therapy is important. You know, most families, separated or not, have problems and once they move out, they never speak to each other again, but what you three have is special, three of you are desperately trying to form a family based around communication, and that will create strong bonds between you three.”

Leaving Bee’s office, Aaron left like they had stepped in a direction that would help their relationship, especially since Bee was the one encouraging Andrew to do so. But that still didn’t mean he liked Bee, it was Nicky after all who came up with the idea, but Andrew respected her so Aaron put up with it. Nicky was walking ahead of them when Andrew grabbed Aaron’s sleeve to stop him. Aaron turned back to face his brother. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked, Aaron smiled at him, a real smile that he hadn’t felt in a long time forming on his face. “Yes “he breathed out. 

Andrew pulled him in for a hug, wrapping his arms around Aaron a bit too tight but it was the best hug Aaron ever had. 

“You scared me.” Andrew said in German because using his words in English were hard when it came to showing affection.

“I missed you.” Aaron said pulling back from the hug. 

Kevin was waiting for him in his room, Matt was out and Nicky said he needed to talk to Neil which Aaron knew was a lie. Kevin was standing in the kitchen, two plates of food set on the kitchen table. 

“What are you doing?”

“Lunch, you need to eat.” 

The food didn’t taste bad, it was one of Kevin’s healthy diet recipe but the food tasted like someone caring, caring for Aaron. After they cleaned up together, they sat on the couch, not turning on the TV. It felt cozy. 

“I promised I would help you get better, and I didn’t mean only for the withdrawal, I meant with everything. Do you remember what you told me that night?” 

Aaron knew he was blushing; he could feel it creeping across his neck all the way to his cheeks. “No” he admitted sheepishly, he did not remember anything and apparently, he had spoken a lot that night. 

“Well,” Kevin said inching closer to him, “you told me that you loved me.” 

“What?” Aaron pulled back from Kevin, it had taken him two years to say I love you to Katelyn, how the hell did he blurt it out to Kevin so openly. Kevin was smiling at him, not his press smile but his soft smile that occurred rarely. 

“It’s okay, what I am going to tell you is not connected with what you had said, it doesn’t need to be true and you don’t need to say it to me again, but Aaron, I like you, I have liked you for a while now, but you had Kate and you were happy and I liked seeing you happy. Then you weren’t happy anymore, and I didn’t do anything about it until it was too late, so if you let me, I would like to be there for you, being the one that makes you happy.” 

Aaron stared at Kevin; he didn’t know how to respond so he started counting the freckles on Kevin’s face. He was lost for words, it was too much communication and too many emotions for one day and he was tired of speaking so he leaned in, slowly, stopping right in front of Kevin’s lips. 

He could feel the others breath on his lips, tickling his upper lip. Aaron smiled; Kevin smiled as well. 

“I’m going to kiss you now.” Kevin nodded. Aaron pressed their lips gently, just lips on lips nothing more but it was enough to get his heart racing. It was sweet because it was Kevin’s lips. He pulled back, to see if Kevin was okay, the other boy smiled at him, Aaron pressed a kiss to his tattoo. Then to his nose, to the corner of his mouth until Kevin captured his lips again, this time more than just a gentle kiss. 

They stayed there on the couch, arms tangled with each other’s, Aaron’s head resting on Kevin’s chest, listening to his heart beating. He was alive, he could have not had this moment, he was dead to the world for a long time, and he could never head this moment if he had kept it up. He snuggled closer to Kevin, afraid to let go. He let his fingers wonder on Kevin’s face until they rested on his tattoo. 

He tapped on it three times, if Kevin did not know what it meant, it did not matter. He knew what it meant, and he would find the courage to say it out loud one day, sober, but until then, he would let Kevin know with three taps on his tattoo that he was the reason Aaron had stayed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to @poly_pr1nce for the prompt
> 
> Every kudos and comment means the world, would love to chat in Tumblr @delightfulfiresoulweasel


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